Having a part-time job

Today, I messed up.

I have a part-time job as an interim receptionist. Today, my training was a little bit rushed and the previous work-intensive week got me overconfident, which translated into not taking the time to thoroughly explore the procedures’ handbook. It resulted in an unhappy member of the staff not being able to send a stack of letters that should have been sent already, the postman leaving empty-handed, people stuck in front of the entrance doors, and a general impression of incompetence that stuck around me like a bad smell.

You maybe want to reassure me. Tell me it was not too bad, maybe even in a falsetto tone – at least, that’s the one you would have in my head – say the sentence “it’s not the end of the world”… And in the end, you would be right. I know it’s not a very big deal. In fact, I think most people would maybe consider it natural for a newbie to make some kind of mistakes, especially without a complete training.

So, if making mistakes, especially as a newbie, is okay, what’s the problem ? To answer simply : shame. I’m still ashamed of letting those people down. Of course, that is a relatively normal reaction : disappointing someone is never pleasant. In a way I was lucky to have been dealing with strangers and not someone I hold in high esteem. But still, is it a feeling that should be rationalized away ?

Pain is a way for the body to attract our attention on something wrong, something hurtful to us. What if our feelings were the same ? More than some misplaced guilt born of excessive perfectionism, what if the shame I felt was a signal to my socially-conditioned brain to look at something wrong, and try to fix it ? All the implicit social rules we are conditioned to respect, often without ever being aware of them, exist for a reason. When you get a gift for your birthday, there is a big chance you will feel obligated to reciprocate for the giver’s birthday, especially if it is someone you don’t know all that well (close friends and family often bypass this kind of rules, in contrast with someone you just met who you will be very cordial to). Of course, some people – rebels – make it a point to ignore all the implicit rules that govern us, common mortals. For the rest of us, those rules are an attempt to make for a more harmonious society.

Now, if we re-examine this feeling of shame in the light of a more social angle, the reason for it becomes clear : it is a punishment for my failure at accomplishing what others needed me to do, a punishment that acts as deterrent. Let’s call it negative conditioning. So, to summarize, I am being conditioned by my own brain to be diligent in my work. In other words, I am being manipulated by my own brain, my own impulses, to do my best in the tasks given to me so that the micro-society it affects is the most harmonious possible. I need to be the perfect cog in the great machine that is the ecosystem of the place, the company, the organism I work at. 

But the part of us that is the “social animal” that Aristotle was talking about, the part that cares about our role in the society we belong to, has a great enemy : our weariness. I am tired. Despite the pre-emptively drunk coffees, when you wake up early to work at a place you did not know anything about the day before, doing something you do not particularly like, a certain apathy settles in. In spite of your best efforts, you don’t have the strength necessary to do a satisfying job. When someone comes with a demand you are not sure to know how to answer to, you need all the discipline you can scrounge up to not throw in the towel. Okay, I’m exaggerating ; you won’t give up. But your tiredness eats away at the social compass that is supposed to guide you until you find yourself, as countless others probably did before you, not giving a f*ck. Being free of the expectations society puts on our shoulders is liberating, even if it is only for a time. But you will not be tired forever, so unless you become a “rebel” like some, you will find yourself starting to care again about the others’ perception of yourself.

So, back to square one. Your part-time job is the arena in which the duel between your fatigue and your instinct-driven care for the others’ expectations of you takes place. I specified “part-time job”, but in truth I could have expanded to include all the kinds of bread-and-butter jobs. Those that we see as only temporary, so we don’t want to make the effort to craft them into something we like, something that could become our passion. The sad part is, I think that more people than what I imagine have a job that is only temporary in their minds, even though they have been doing it for a long time, and will probably still be at it in a few years. So I can understand if sometimes weariness wins the duel ; the cashiers that were not very nice, the phone operators that didn’t try much to fix my problems when I asked them… It is difficult to invest yourself in this kind of jobs, especially if they are part-time and your real passion is something you do on the side.

In that situation, the only thread keeping you somewhat attached to the tasks you were given to accomplish is your respect for others and their need of the work done. Added to the money you earn, is it enough to motivate you to get up at 4 or 5 in the morning several days in a row ? Of course, not all jobs have this kind of hours, but it is a good indicator of your motivation. The problem is how wearing mentally having such a schedule full-time is when it is supposed to be a temporary job. You want to focus on what truly interests you, but there’s always something keeping you, and you are too tired when you get back home.

At some point, the apathy wins, and spills over the other parts of your life. The laxer you start being with your tasks, the more used you will be to the others’ disappointment, and the less attached to the results of your actions – or lack thereof – you will become. Progressively, this vicious cycle gets you settled in an ugly routine that ends when you get terminated or you have another kind of wake-up call. Or it doesn’t end, and that’s maybe the worst-case scenario, because nothing changes. So I can only say : wake-up, people ! Reconnect with the “social animal” part of your brain. It is so difficult to start caring again, but that is the beauty of interim work : you can always start fresh someplace else. And if you are not a temp, well… I understand how hard it is to change your habits and the vision the others have of you when it’s negative. Down from my 10 or 15 hours a week, the only advice I can think of is to change your job. Either literally, by looking for another one, or simply by changing the tasks assigned to you. Find your place again in the great machine that is the organism you work at, and make yourself useful. Comparing ourselves to a cog may not be very glamorous, but I will still do it : in our bread-and-butter jobs, we are often faced with simple tasks that directly answer to someone’s needs, that help someone do their own job. Our work allows the machine to function as it should, and any defect is felt by everyone. We are like chain-links if you prefer, forming a coherent set as solid as the weakest of us. The chain anchors us when we are overwhelmed by tiredness : in the struggle between our social obligations and the fatigue provoked by mindless tasks, it helps. What will win in the end ? The choice is yours.